Rose Garden, a.k.a. Bloody Ho

Some beers are okay, even pretty good, on their own. But sometimes they get much better when you stick them together. Such is the case with the drink known to Yard House patrons as the Rose Garden, or to my friends as the Bloody Ho. My friends are crude people, you see.

This is my drink of choice besides cider, and so it is my taste buds that will do the talking here. To make a Rose Garden, take about equal parts Hoegaarden and Lindeman's Framboise and pour them into a glass. That's it, as far as I know, although there may be fancy bartender secrets to which I am not privy.

Hoegaarden (pronounced Who-garden) is a witbier, or white ale, light and relatively clean and crisp. Lindeman's Framboise is a lambic, so instead of hops, fruit is added to activate the yeast that makes the alcohols that makes you drunk. In this case, if you speak any French, you'll already know that the fruit is raspberries. If you don't, you just got told. This particular lambic is pretty sour and tangy, what I would call a sharp flavor, almost acidic, in addition to having the expected fruitiness. It tends to be too strong for me to drink it alone, although their apple lambic is delightful.

When their powers are combined, the beers are unstoppable. The Hoegaarden cuts into the sour tang of the Framboise and smooths it out, while the Framboise gives the Hoegaarden a delightful raspberry overtone. They were made for each other like peanut butter and jelly, like Abbott and Costello, like fish and chips. It's a refreshing drink with barely any hop or malt content. If you aren't a huge fan of beer, this drink may be what you are looking for. If you love beer in all its hoppy glory, you might not dig this, but give it a try. You may be pleasantly surprised.

Just don't ask for a Bloody Ho because someone may look at you funny.

Moretti Pilsner

Buona sera! It's time to learn to drink Italian beer, with your host, me. Pretend I am saying everything in a Mario Brothers accent, with a lot of excess vowels at the ends of words. Spicy meatballs may or may not be involved.

Seriously though, the second of the Yard House beers consumed by beer lover and fledgling connoisseur Alex was the Moretti Pilsner, crafted by the Birra Moretti company, which has been around since 1859. Everything has been around longer in Europe, though, so don't let that impress you. Okay, you can be a little impressed.

Unfortunately, the beer itself was not that impressive. It has the typical pilsner taste, smooth and not very hoppy or malty. Other words used to describe it were "plain" and "average"; as pilsners go, this one did not stand out. The best that could be said about it was that it was better than a Heineken. I would also like to note that I got tired of trying to find information about it online so I apologize for the lack of content to this review.

Just the facts, ma'am: Moretti Pilsner, Birra Moretti, Italy, pilsner.

Widmer Hefeweizen

Last night I had the pleasure of hanging out at the Yard House after work with a couple of friends. We pretty much only go during happy hour because it's a damn expensive restaurant otherwise, but it's hard to argue with the prospect of over a hundred beers on tap. Yes, on tap, not just waiting around in bottles or cans. My good bud Alex loves beer but feels that her taste buds are insufficiently refined and wants to work on understanding what the different flavors are and how they operate in her mouth. To this end, she grabbed one of their samplers, which comes with around two ounces each of six different beers. Don't worry, they each get a separate review.

The first beer of the night for her was the Widmer Hefeweizen, an American wheat beer in the German unfiltered weissbier (white beer) style, which mixes about half and half wheat and barley to make a light colored, cloudy ale. It's a good beer to start with because it's relatively light compared to, say, an IPA or a stout, which were also awaiting her attention.

This brew was sweet and full-bodied for a hefeweizen, somewhere between a pub ale and a Belgian according to Eric, but it was also easy to drink. Smooth as a baby's bottom, as the saying goes, although perhaps it is more like smooth as Salma Hayek's leg when she pours tequila on it for Quentin Tarantino to drink. Somehow the idea of a baby's bottom probably shouldn't be anywhere near beer. But I digress. As it's a hefeweizen, it's not too hoppy or malty, and it's basically the kind of thing you could drink for a while without getting full or queasy.

Still, whether you would want to drink it for a while is debatable. It's a solid beer but not spectacular, comparable to a Sam Adams Coastal Wheat but not as good as Bell's Oberon. If you've got it, drink it; if not, and you're looking to be impressed rather than sated, consider reaching for something else instead.

Just the facts, ma'am: Widmer Hefeweizen, Widmer Brothers Brewing, Oregon, hefeweizen, 4.9% alcohol by volume, 30 IBU.

Lamar Street Organic Pale Ale

It is uncommon to find a product essentially as advertised on the label, so when Lamar Street's Organic Pale Ale purported to be "a full-bodied brew with a crisp, clean finish" Eric was understandably skeptical. In fact, it is exactly that, although its other claim of "a perfect balance of flavor and refreshment" was slightly more debatable.

Brewed by the Goose Island Beer Company, which as far as we can tell involves neither geese nor islands (discuss), this is an American pale ale that is certified organic, whatever that means. Our guess is that no wacky chemicals are used on the various ingredients while they are being grown. The beer does not appear to be available anymore, judging by their website, on which it is not listed.

In the interests of full disclosure, I must add a very important qualification to this review: the bottle of beer in question was EXPIRED. Oh, the humanity. We could not remember when this beer was purchased, but the label clearly indicated that as of November 11, 2009, it was no longer at its finest. To compound the strangeness of the situation, it must further be noted that this was the last beer of a six-pack and that Eric had not previously enjoyed the beer very much, hence why it took so long for it to shuffle off to Buffalo, as they say in the parlance of our times.

That said, this time around he found it to be a pretty straightforward pale ale, unassuming, well balanced and refreshing. He said it had almost a caramel overtone to the malt and was not overly hoppy, robust enough to avoid being watery but, as previously noted, crisp and clean. Basically this is a very average beer that he wouldn't mind drinking but wouldn't actively seek out and purchase. And if it isn't expired, don't even bother.

Just the facts, ma'am: Lamar Street Organic Pale Ale, Goose Island Beer Company, Illinois, American pale ale, 4.7% alcohol by volume.

The War of the Worlds is much more interesting than this beer.

Victory HopDevil

Once upon a time, there was a beer festival in Fort Lauderdale. And lo, many new beers were tried that day, but the brewery that amazed above all others was, fittingly enough, Victory Brewing Company. Alas, their beers were not available anywhere for the sad drinkers to enjoy again, or at least to test to ensure that they were in fact delicious, and not merely delicious when already very drunk on beer.

But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is Whole Foods, which has now begun to carry Victory beers. While several options were available, for Eric, lover of IPA's, the choice was clear: HopDevil, the hoppiest beer in the land.

HopDevil is an IPA that goes to 11. Its flavor is a combination of hops, hops, and more hops, with some floral notes somewhere, tooting almost in embarrassment. The bitterness is also cranked up, leaving a sharp tang on your tongue, and there is a relatively high amount of carbonation. Even the smell is very strong; people in the vicinity will know an IPA is being imbibed nearby.

If you do not like IPA's, you absolutely should not drink this beer. If you like IPA's, you may still find this beer overpowering. If you love hops as much as Eric does, you will probably love this beer. Regardless, don't start with this one or almost everything else will taste weak by comparison.

Just the facts, ma'am: HopDevil, Victory Brewing Company, Pennsylvania, IPA, 6.7% alcohol by volume.

Ribbit! Definitely hoppy.

Lagunitas Cappuccino Stout

My husband used to think Guinness was the best beer in the universe. I always thought it tasted like a grass and wool sweater milkshake, but this is not about me and my terrible taste. One day, my husband was introduced to the idea that there were, in fact, other stouts waiting out there for him, and that some were actually better than Guinness. Hard to believe, I know. And yet, there it is.

One such stout is the Lagunitas Cappuccino Stout, experienced for the first time here only moments ago. Crafted by the Lagunitas Brewing Company, makers of the previously reviewed Lagunitas IPA, it's a seasonal brew put out for the holidays, and yet is not the stereotypical strangely spiced holiday ale. To be precise, it is an Imperial Stout, which some also call an American Double Stout, and which is known for being extra dark and higher in alcohol than other stouts.

Eric found it a lot like Guinness Extra Stout, but more robust, with a pleasing coffee flavor with chocolate notes and a nice aroma. It's not very thick for a stout, and doesn't have a lot of head, but is about as dark as you'd expect for the style. Perhaps the biggest vote in its favor came from our friend Austin, the other resident non-beer-drinker (besides me), who not only tried it and liked it but asked for more when he was done drinking it.

If you like stouts and coffee, you will probably like this beer. If you like Guinness Extra Stout, you will probably like this beer better. We still have a Guinness clock in our kitchen, though.

Just the facts, ma'am: Lagunitas Cappuccino Stout, Lagunitas Brewing Company, California, Imperial stout, 9.2% alcohol by volume.

You've been fooling around with the espresso maker, haven't you?

Anchor Christmas Ale 2009

Curtis is over for tonight's beer tasting, which began with a mystical event. He pulled the bottle of beer out of the fridge and held it up to look at the bottom of the label, whereupon there was a sound as of angels singing in chorus to herald the drinking of the brew. Actually it was just his phone going off, which was much less epic and an unfortunate sign of things to come.

The Anchor Christmas Ale has been brewed for every holiday season for 35 years, and is categorized as a Winter Warmer by people who like to categorize things. This is apparently a generic term for a seasonal ale, as there are many different varieties and pretty much the only thing they have in common is that they are strangely spiced.

This beer proved to be no exception. It was much darker than expected, more like a porter or stout, and relatively thick. Eric could not get past what he called a "strong clovey taste like a Christmas ham"; he found it really weird. Both Eric and Curtis claimed that it was not very hoppy, kind of malty, and not very complex, although other denizens of the internet also report notes of nutmeg, licorice and root beer.

In the end, this is the kind of thing you should try but may not like, not bad but a specific taste that some people may love and some people may find weird. The preferred Christmas option so far has been Santa's Private Reserve from the good people at Rogue Ales, but unfortunately it was enjoyed prior to the commencement of this blog so a full report is unavailable.

Just the facts, ma'am: Anchor Christmas Ale 2009, Anchor Brewing Company, California, Winter Warmer, 5.5% alcohol by volume

I can keep my tree up until, what, Labor Day?

Long Hammer IPA

If you hang around me and my friends for long enough, you will find out a strange but true fact: we keep a beer spreadsheet. What does this say about us? First, that we are the kind of people who use spreadsheets in our personal lives, which is either cool or weird or sad or all of the above. Second, that beer is important enough to keep track of on a regular basis. See this blog for further proof of that fact.

So while this blog is still in its infancy, be assured that the tasters I rely on for its sage criticism are well versed in a variety of beers. When they tell me that a beer like Long Hammer IPA is "okay" then they're basically giving it a C on the midterm, three out of five stars, one thumb up, et cetera ad nauseum.

Crafted by the Redhook Ale Brewery, the Long Hammer IPA is, as the name implies, an India pale ale, which is reportedly dry hopped. This means they add more hops at the end of the brewing process, which is supposed to make the beer--stay with me on this--hoppier. A stretch, I know. While in some beers this technique is used to great effect (see Dogfish Head 120 Minute IPA for details), unfortunately it doesn't seem to do much for the Long Hammer.

Eric says it's a pretty typical example of the style, not fabulous and not terrible, but is somehow more sour than hoppy. It lacks the intense flavor of other IPA's despite being dry hopped, and may have been aiming for a citrusy flavor if other beer reviews are any indication, which could account for the sourness. Depending on your previous IPA experience, you'll either want to give this a pass because there are better options out there, or give it a try because you want to broaden your horizons. My friends will try just about anything once, but will not seek this one out in future.

Just the facts, ma'am: Long Hammer IPA, Redhook Ale Brewery, Washington, IPA, 6.5% alcohol by volume.

My cat Wash is hammered AND screwed.

Samuel Adams Boston Lager

While not an IPA, which as previously noted is the preferred style in this household, the Sam Adams Boston Lager is probably the second most purchased beer (next to "something new that looks tasty"). Brewed by the Boston Beer Company, which technically produces most of its beer in Cincinnati, it's the original offering that the company's founder concocted in his kitchen using his great-great-mumble-great grandfather's recipe.

I've had the pleasure of visiting their brewery in Jamaica Plain, Massachusetts, which is where I discovered my body's unfortunate aversion to hops. The Jamaica Plain brewery is their testing facility, where thousands of eager beer drinkers line up for a free tour that includes a tasting of three different beers. Few things are more shameful than drinking IBC Root Beer with a bunch of minors while everyone else around you is tasting beers, including one that likely won't make it to market called the California Common (a steam beer, like Anchor Steam or Flying Dog Old Scratch).

But I digress. The Boston Lager is a Vienna style lager, developed in Austria and eventually exported to random places like Mexico, where it became Dos Equis. Among lagers, which is a pretty big category, the Boston Lager is relatively hoppy, and also a bit sweet, even complex, almost more like an ale. Our friend Liz feels patriotic when she drinks it, more American somehow. We must note that the brewers have no familial connection to Samuel Adams, brewer and patriot, but picked him as a mascot to lead Americans in a revolution away from crappy beers. At least, that is the story we tell ourselves.

Just the facts, ma'am: Samuel Adams Boston Lager, Boston Beer Company, Massachusetts, Vienna lager, 4.75% alcohol by volume.

There are elves in Vienna, right? They probably like beer.

News from the world of beer

Word is that Heineken will be buying the Mexican brewery that makes beers like Dos Equis and Tecate. Once upon a time, Heineken was the neutral go-to beer in my household, the one you took to parties because most people were likely to enjoy it. It wasn't too serious for the Miller Lite swillers who should probably just drink water anyway but who am I to judge, and it wasn't as gross as, say, Miller Lite to the people who actually liked to drink real beer. Alas, that ship has sailed, and now we reach for Sam Adams when duty calls (Boston Lager or Pils, depending on the group).

But back to the news, Marketplace is reporting that, perhaps as a result of a recent spate of brewery consolidations, sales at microbreweries are going up. At the same time, sales at big beer companies are dropping. It's interesting to think that, in a crappy economy, people might be willing to pay more for their beer. Some people speculate that drinkers want stuff that's made locally, rather than by some big international company. Others just think people are being exposed to better quality brews and are consequently laying off the cheap, nasty ones.

Me, I think it's a combination of those, plus that fact that, when you don't have a lot of money to throw around and you still want to look cool, even pricey microbrews are a relatively cheap way to polish the ol' public image. Or maybe it just makes you look like a pretentious douchebag to show up with a six pack of Stone IPA instead of a case of Budweiser. Whatever.

It's also a good way to connect with friends, again without breaking the bank; have a tasting party at someone's house, everyone brings a different kind of beer, shenanigans ensue. It's a bit classier and more fun than just getting drunk off Natty Lite like a stereotypical frat boy. I recommend Apples to Apples as the perfect party game accompaniment.

Sorry for the hiatus

Owing to various unfortunate circumstances, all critics are too busy being sick to drink any delicious beer. This situation will hopefully be remedied shortly. Stay tuned!

Lagunitas IPA

The IPA, or India pale ale, is a fairly robust beer to begin with when compared to other types of beers, excepting stouts or porters. Of all the kinds of beers, this is my least favorite due to my aversion to hops. It also happens to be my husband's favorite, as well as that of several of our friends.

The Lagunitas IPA is a solid example of its type, perhaps leaning toward light. Brewed in California by the Lagunitas Brewing Company, it is less strong than its fellow Lagunitas brew, the Maximus, but is nonetheless delightfully hoppy and bitter. If you like IPA's, you'll like this beer. If you like more robust IPA's, give this one a pass and head straight for the Maximus.

Given its relative weakness when compared to other IPA's, this is the kind of beer you'd want to start the night with, because after anything else it will probably taste too watery. Drink this, then work your way up to the Maximus, or something else like the Dogfish Head 60 Minute or 90 Minute.

Just the facts, ma'am: Lagunitas IPA, Lagunitas Brewing Company, California, IPA, 5.70% alcohol by volume.

Wouldn't kick it out of bed in the morning, might even buy it breakfast.

Fade to Black

Because my husband is recording music in the other room, I have the urge to write this review as a song. Don't worry, I'll valiantly fight the feeling. With him is a friend of mine who politely asked whether he could have one of the many beers in my fridge. Something malty, he said. I had just the thing.

Fade to Black is a winter seasonal that Left Hand Brewing Company calls a Foreign Stout, but I'm told it's almost more like a porter. As advertised, it's a really dark beer; we're talking bottom of a well on a moonless night. The most prominent notes are a sweetness like molasses and a sort of espresso undertone according to my friend, but other sources report licorice and cardamom flavors.

If you're not a big fan of porters or the sweeter side of stouts, this may not be the beer for you; try Left Hand's Milk Stout instead. If you want something malty, like my friend did, this beer is enthusiastically recommended. By which I mean that it was immediately stolen by someone else because it was so good, so my friend will have to wait until I can buy more.

Just the facts, ma'am: Fade to Black, Left Hand Brewing Company, Colorado, foreign stout, 8.5% alcohol by volume.

Consume in a well-lit area or you might lose your beer and never find it again.

Thomas Hardy's Ale

I said I would begin with a recommendation on what to drink, but instead I will tell you what NOT to drink. And that, my friends, is Thomas Hardy's Ale.

Made by O'Hanlon's Brewing Co. until last year, when they stopped brewing it apparently to the shock and dismay of random people on the internet, this Old Ale/barley wine style beer was met with uniform disgust by an entire party of beer drinkers in my house. No fewer than six beer-loving individuals tried this beer and refused to take another sip. Of these, at least one was a lover of Thomas Hardy, so literary preference did not affect the opinions of the critics.

The bottle indicates that it is best served at 55 degrees Fahrenheit and improves with age, allegedly acquiring a "rich and complex character." Considering that the remaining three bottles are likely to sit in my refrigerator until the Second Coming, this allegation may eventually be tested. Until then, avoid both Thomas Hardy's Ale and his terrible books, especially Return of the Native.

Just the facts, ma'am: Thomas Hardy's Ale, O'Hanlon's Brewing Co. Ltd, England, Old Ale/barley wine, 2007 vintage, No. P17894 edition, 8.5 fl oz, 11.7% alcohol by volume.

As seen on a toilet, which is where you should drink it because it will be coming back up shortly.

Hop to it

I will begin this beer blog by admitting something embarrassing and startling: I do not drink beer. Oh, I drink lambics, sure, and give me a glass of Hornsby's any day, but beer? Blech. It's the hops, you see. They somehow react with my body chemistry in a way that turns your average pint into a festering well of bitterness and sorrow.

So why am I blogging about beer? In the immortal words of Terry Pratchett, "Some people are heroes. And some people jot down notes." I am one of the latter, and so here I am, jotting down notes. I am surrounded by heroes who love beer and drink it whenever possible. More importantly, they like to try new beers and offer their sage opinions on the relative merits of each, and then usually forget those opinions within a few hours because let's face it, they have been drinking.

What do I hope to accomplish? For one, I hope to help my friends keep track of their drinking habits. Beyond that, I hope to be at least moderately entertaining and educational in my role as collector and purveyor of beer knowledge and opinions. A sort of beer tour guide, if you will, cracking terrible canned jokes while encouraging you to try new things, no you go ahead, I promise it's delicious, no I don't want any thank you very much.

What are you waiting for? Get drinking! Oh, right, you're waiting for me to tell you what to drink. Well then, let's get started.