Moretti Pilsner

Buona sera! It's time to learn to drink Italian beer, with your host, me. Pretend I am saying everything in a Mario Brothers accent, with a lot of excess vowels at the ends of words. Spicy meatballs may or may not be involved.

Seriously though, the second of the Yard House beers consumed by beer lover and fledgling connoisseur Alex was the Moretti Pilsner, crafted by the Birra Moretti company, which has been around since 1859. Everything has been around longer in Europe, though, so don't let that impress you. Okay, you can be a little impressed.

Unfortunately, the beer itself was not that impressive. It has the typical pilsner taste, smooth and not very hoppy or malty. Other words used to describe it were "plain" and "average"; as pilsners go, this one did not stand out. The best that could be said about it was that it was better than a Heineken. I would also like to note that I got tired of trying to find information about it online so I apologize for the lack of content to this review.

Just the facts, ma'am: Moretti Pilsner, Birra Moretti, Italy, pilsner.

Widmer Hefeweizen

Last night I had the pleasure of hanging out at the Yard House after work with a couple of friends. We pretty much only go during happy hour because it's a damn expensive restaurant otherwise, but it's hard to argue with the prospect of over a hundred beers on tap. Yes, on tap, not just waiting around in bottles or cans. My good bud Alex loves beer but feels that her taste buds are insufficiently refined and wants to work on understanding what the different flavors are and how they operate in her mouth. To this end, she grabbed one of their samplers, which comes with around two ounces each of six different beers. Don't worry, they each get a separate review.

The first beer of the night for her was the Widmer Hefeweizen, an American wheat beer in the German unfiltered weissbier (white beer) style, which mixes about half and half wheat and barley to make a light colored, cloudy ale. It's a good beer to start with because it's relatively light compared to, say, an IPA or a stout, which were also awaiting her attention.

This brew was sweet and full-bodied for a hefeweizen, somewhere between a pub ale and a Belgian according to Eric, but it was also easy to drink. Smooth as a baby's bottom, as the saying goes, although perhaps it is more like smooth as Salma Hayek's leg when she pours tequila on it for Quentin Tarantino to drink. Somehow the idea of a baby's bottom probably shouldn't be anywhere near beer. But I digress. As it's a hefeweizen, it's not too hoppy or malty, and it's basically the kind of thing you could drink for a while without getting full or queasy.

Still, whether you would want to drink it for a while is debatable. It's a solid beer but not spectacular, comparable to a Sam Adams Coastal Wheat but not as good as Bell's Oberon. If you've got it, drink it; if not, and you're looking to be impressed rather than sated, consider reaching for something else instead.

Just the facts, ma'am: Widmer Hefeweizen, Widmer Brothers Brewing, Oregon, hefeweizen, 4.9% alcohol by volume, 30 IBU.

Lamar Street Organic Pale Ale

It is uncommon to find a product essentially as advertised on the label, so when Lamar Street's Organic Pale Ale purported to be "a full-bodied brew with a crisp, clean finish" Eric was understandably skeptical. In fact, it is exactly that, although its other claim of "a perfect balance of flavor and refreshment" was slightly more debatable.

Brewed by the Goose Island Beer Company, which as far as we can tell involves neither geese nor islands (discuss), this is an American pale ale that is certified organic, whatever that means. Our guess is that no wacky chemicals are used on the various ingredients while they are being grown. The beer does not appear to be available anymore, judging by their website, on which it is not listed.

In the interests of full disclosure, I must add a very important qualification to this review: the bottle of beer in question was EXPIRED. Oh, the humanity. We could not remember when this beer was purchased, but the label clearly indicated that as of November 11, 2009, it was no longer at its finest. To compound the strangeness of the situation, it must further be noted that this was the last beer of a six-pack and that Eric had not previously enjoyed the beer very much, hence why it took so long for it to shuffle off to Buffalo, as they say in the parlance of our times.

That said, this time around he found it to be a pretty straightforward pale ale, unassuming, well balanced and refreshing. He said it had almost a caramel overtone to the malt and was not overly hoppy, robust enough to avoid being watery but, as previously noted, crisp and clean. Basically this is a very average beer that he wouldn't mind drinking but wouldn't actively seek out and purchase. And if it isn't expired, don't even bother.

Just the facts, ma'am: Lamar Street Organic Pale Ale, Goose Island Beer Company, Illinois, American pale ale, 4.7% alcohol by volume.

The War of the Worlds is much more interesting than this beer.

Victory HopDevil

Once upon a time, there was a beer festival in Fort Lauderdale. And lo, many new beers were tried that day, but the brewery that amazed above all others was, fittingly enough, Victory Brewing Company. Alas, their beers were not available anywhere for the sad drinkers to enjoy again, or at least to test to ensure that they were in fact delicious, and not merely delicious when already very drunk on beer.

But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is Whole Foods, which has now begun to carry Victory beers. While several options were available, for Eric, lover of IPA's, the choice was clear: HopDevil, the hoppiest beer in the land.

HopDevil is an IPA that goes to 11. Its flavor is a combination of hops, hops, and more hops, with some floral notes somewhere, tooting almost in embarrassment. The bitterness is also cranked up, leaving a sharp tang on your tongue, and there is a relatively high amount of carbonation. Even the smell is very strong; people in the vicinity will know an IPA is being imbibed nearby.

If you do not like IPA's, you absolutely should not drink this beer. If you like IPA's, you may still find this beer overpowering. If you love hops as much as Eric does, you will probably love this beer. Regardless, don't start with this one or almost everything else will taste weak by comparison.

Just the facts, ma'am: HopDevil, Victory Brewing Company, Pennsylvania, IPA, 6.7% alcohol by volume.

Ribbit! Definitely hoppy.

Lagunitas Cappuccino Stout

My husband used to think Guinness was the best beer in the universe. I always thought it tasted like a grass and wool sweater milkshake, but this is not about me and my terrible taste. One day, my husband was introduced to the idea that there were, in fact, other stouts waiting out there for him, and that some were actually better than Guinness. Hard to believe, I know. And yet, there it is.

One such stout is the Lagunitas Cappuccino Stout, experienced for the first time here only moments ago. Crafted by the Lagunitas Brewing Company, makers of the previously reviewed Lagunitas IPA, it's a seasonal brew put out for the holidays, and yet is not the stereotypical strangely spiced holiday ale. To be precise, it is an Imperial Stout, which some also call an American Double Stout, and which is known for being extra dark and higher in alcohol than other stouts.

Eric found it a lot like Guinness Extra Stout, but more robust, with a pleasing coffee flavor with chocolate notes and a nice aroma. It's not very thick for a stout, and doesn't have a lot of head, but is about as dark as you'd expect for the style. Perhaps the biggest vote in its favor came from our friend Austin, the other resident non-beer-drinker (besides me), who not only tried it and liked it but asked for more when he was done drinking it.

If you like stouts and coffee, you will probably like this beer. If you like Guinness Extra Stout, you will probably like this beer better. We still have a Guinness clock in our kitchen, though.

Just the facts, ma'am: Lagunitas Cappuccino Stout, Lagunitas Brewing Company, California, Imperial stout, 9.2% alcohol by volume.

You've been fooling around with the espresso maker, haven't you?

Anchor Christmas Ale 2009

Curtis is over for tonight's beer tasting, which began with a mystical event. He pulled the bottle of beer out of the fridge and held it up to look at the bottom of the label, whereupon there was a sound as of angels singing in chorus to herald the drinking of the brew. Actually it was just his phone going off, which was much less epic and an unfortunate sign of things to come.

The Anchor Christmas Ale has been brewed for every holiday season for 35 years, and is categorized as a Winter Warmer by people who like to categorize things. This is apparently a generic term for a seasonal ale, as there are many different varieties and pretty much the only thing they have in common is that they are strangely spiced.

This beer proved to be no exception. It was much darker than expected, more like a porter or stout, and relatively thick. Eric could not get past what he called a "strong clovey taste like a Christmas ham"; he found it really weird. Both Eric and Curtis claimed that it was not very hoppy, kind of malty, and not very complex, although other denizens of the internet also report notes of nutmeg, licorice and root beer.

In the end, this is the kind of thing you should try but may not like, not bad but a specific taste that some people may love and some people may find weird. The preferred Christmas option so far has been Santa's Private Reserve from the good people at Rogue Ales, but unfortunately it was enjoyed prior to the commencement of this blog so a full report is unavailable.

Just the facts, ma'am: Anchor Christmas Ale 2009, Anchor Brewing Company, California, Winter Warmer, 5.5% alcohol by volume

I can keep my tree up until, what, Labor Day?

Long Hammer IPA

If you hang around me and my friends for long enough, you will find out a strange but true fact: we keep a beer spreadsheet. What does this say about us? First, that we are the kind of people who use spreadsheets in our personal lives, which is either cool or weird or sad or all of the above. Second, that beer is important enough to keep track of on a regular basis. See this blog for further proof of that fact.

So while this blog is still in its infancy, be assured that the tasters I rely on for its sage criticism are well versed in a variety of beers. When they tell me that a beer like Long Hammer IPA is "okay" then they're basically giving it a C on the midterm, three out of five stars, one thumb up, et cetera ad nauseum.

Crafted by the Redhook Ale Brewery, the Long Hammer IPA is, as the name implies, an India pale ale, which is reportedly dry hopped. This means they add more hops at the end of the brewing process, which is supposed to make the beer--stay with me on this--hoppier. A stretch, I know. While in some beers this technique is used to great effect (see Dogfish Head 120 Minute IPA for details), unfortunately it doesn't seem to do much for the Long Hammer.

Eric says it's a pretty typical example of the style, not fabulous and not terrible, but is somehow more sour than hoppy. It lacks the intense flavor of other IPA's despite being dry hopped, and may have been aiming for a citrusy flavor if other beer reviews are any indication, which could account for the sourness. Depending on your previous IPA experience, you'll either want to give this a pass because there are better options out there, or give it a try because you want to broaden your horizons. My friends will try just about anything once, but will not seek this one out in future.

Just the facts, ma'am: Long Hammer IPA, Redhook Ale Brewery, Washington, IPA, 6.5% alcohol by volume.

My cat Wash is hammered AND screwed.